How to Help a Friend in the Trenches

What does it mean to go easy on yourself?

You may hear this from a friend, colleague, parent, therapist, teacher, or someone else close to you. What does it actually mean? Is it right for you? Does it sound cliché? "Be gentle on yourself or go easy" are phrases we often hear when we are feeling out of sorts, unproductive, discombobulated, lazy, tired, etc. and we express those feelings to another person. These are kind, empathetic words. They are intended to put you at ease, to lessen the mental burden and to remind you that you are only human. Less thought about, is the fact that these words can actually feel frustrating in the moment.

When repeatedly making mistakes, detrimental decisions, and ignoring responsibilities, we are not always looking to go easy on ourselves. A lifetime is full of mistakes. We know this. We are going to have days where we ignore responsibilities and label ourselves unproductive. No doubt. We will have various times in our life where we make the wrong decisions, or even decisions that cause pain to ourselves or others. It's unavoidable. We cannot be perfect, as hard as we all try. It's important to dive deeper into why we may feel a little irritated when someone says "go easy on yourself." The value of this phrase depends on the severity of what's being shared and more importantly, the patterns of our downfalls.

Are we making mistakes and choosing to learn from them? Are we willing to acknowledge and own up to patterns of poor decisions being made? Are we evaluating what is causing lack of efficiency or why we are turning a blind eye to important responsibilities? If you can say yes to these few questions, you are right where you need to be! You are putting in the work and you deserve to be gentle on yourself. It's when we are sliding down a very steep mountain with no ridges to grasp onto, where "be gentle” doesn’t seem so appropriate.

How can you help your friend?

So how can we help someone that continues on a slippery slope with no pause for thought? How do we attend to a friend in a downward spiral? Here are just three ways to lend a helping hand with purpose:

1. “Please, talk about it. I am here to listen!" Actively listen. You don't always have to respond right away. Hear them out. Really LISTEN to their frustrations for however long it takes. This will help you to know what they need from you. Even though your friend may not want to hear "go easy on yourself," they also don't want to feel judged or persecuted. Open your ears, partially close your mouth and be aware of your body language/facial expressions. You won’t always relate to someone's feelings or behaviors, but try to relate to the fact that this is their current reality.

2. "It can't be done for you." In the therapy world, tough love generally has a negative stigma around it. Being continuously caring and compassionate is preferred and seen as more helpful. Tough love can be harmful and less effective when it comes to change. In my professional opinion, there are some unique benefits to tough love. Tough love is built on mutual respect and boundaries. If someone is sharing vulnerable information with you about feeling out of sorts, there is clearly a certain level of trust and respect present that may allow tough love to permeate. Clarify your intentions when you are trying to show kind concern. It is okay to say things like "I love you, I hear you, it's not easy, but I would like to give you my honest opinion if you're ready for it." To avoid the person shutting down entirely, openly communicate your goal so that he or she still feels safe and respected.

3. "How can I help? What's our plan for action?" There's comfort in numbers. No one really wants to go through the trials and tribulations of life alone. Having a friend to just listen is crucial, but what about a friend that will go the extra mile to BE IN IT with you? We are all responsible for our own actions of course, yet everyone needs friends that will actually hold them accountable. Friends that you want to make proud. Be that friend that puts the plan in writing. Be the person that makes someone commit to a desirable outcome. The person that gives readily available resources. Never stop giving clear feedback. Stay in the trenches with the person and climb out together.

I have clients tell me all the time that they have the best support system and that their friends are extremely compassionate, almost to a fault. It's so heartwarming to have people in our corner that understand us, that can empathize and be non judgmental when we feel low. Friends like that are truly special. We all need to be gentle with ourselves and understand that life is full of ambiguous, grueling waves. Whether it's actively listening, tough love, or an action plan for two, there are some situations where it's better to tenderly challenge a friend's perceived limits, rather than giving a fruitless "go easy."

Challenge yourself and the people around you.

— Chloe Milani, LCSW